


this love left a permanent mark

by CerinityKS



Series: it's a soulmate thing (or: the word chronicles) [1]
Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Podfic Available, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:14:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4974976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CerinityKS/pseuds/CerinityKS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris was going to Mars and he’d finally met his soulmate. It’s too bad that he wasn’t <i>Mark’s</i> soulmate in return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this love left a permanent mark

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into English available: [[Podfic] This Love Left a Permanent Mark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6316834) by [swagnushammersmith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/swagnushammersmith/pseuds/swagnushammersmith)



> title taken from this love by taylor swift 
> 
> i love soulmate au's, they're my jam tbh, tho apparently i'm incapable of making a soulmate au that isn't angsty in some way. also i'll probably write more of these in the future, and not just for beckwantey but for the mars trio too :D i hope you guys enjoy! x

Mark Watney was born a Blank.

Less than 10 percent of the entire world’s population is born without words. Less than 5 percent of those same Blanks later become Worded, and no one is really sure what causes the discrepancy. 

So when Mark’s mother sees her son’s blank skin she despairs. 

How will Mark get through his life knowing that he doesn’t have a partner to look forward to? That compared to 90 percent of the world’s population, he’ll never find true love? 

The doctor gives her the statistics, how being a Blank in this day in age doesn’t have the negative connotation is did even a few decades ago. How Blanks are still able to find healthy, loving relationships. They’re even able to get married now! 

Ms. Watney doesn’t listen to him though; all she can see is the blank skin of her son’s wrists and imagine how his future will be painted as a result of it. 

-

Chris Beck is born with Words on his wrist. 

His mother rubs her thumb over the pale skin of her son’s wrist and traces the script with her eyes. 

‘ _So did you get lost too or was that just me?_ ’ is scrawled messily, and she can’t help but wonder what type of person her son’s soulmate will be. How they’ll compliment her son and how the two of them will fit into each other’s life. What situation they could be in that results in the words printed forevermore on her son’s skin. 

She holds her son close as she thinks about the life he has ahead of him, and hopes that whatever happens, his soulmate will be there. 

-

By the time Mark is 18 he’s over being a Blank. 

All his life all he heard was how it was so _tragic_ that he didn’t have a soulmate, that he didn’t have that ‘ _perfect match_ ’ to look forward to. How all the girls pitied him and the guys mocked him. 

After all - if he was a Blank he was little better than a nobody, worthless and unable to contribute anything notable to society. 

His mother could barely look at him some days, and while his father cared, he wouldn’t go against his wife. Mark wasn’t resentful; he knew his parents loved him, but sometimes love wasn’t enough. So instead of being ashamed he embraced being a Blank; he refused to hide who he was. Why were people so hung up on being in a relationship, of having a soulmate, that they refused to see life was more than that? That you didn’t need to have a soulmate to be important, or to have a life that was _worth_ living. 

Having a soulmate wasn’t everything, and honestly, Mark was kinda glad he didn’t have one. He didn’t _need_ one. He wouldn’t be defined by his relationships or lack thereof. So when he applied to the University of Chicago and went into Botany he didn’t care that it wasn’t a job that would make him millions. He didn’t care that being a botanist wouldn’t make him famous. He didn’t care that his parents, already disappointed in him, disapproved. 

He was done trying to be what everyone else wanted. This was what he wanted to do, so fuck everyone else. 

Mark didn’t need them. He’d be fine on his own. 

-

By the time Chris was 18 he’d already mapped out most of his life. 

He’d graduated high school top of his class, been accepted to Yale School of Medicine, and he was considering joining the Air Force Reserves. He already knew he wanted to join NASA, that was his ultimate goal, and his parents couldn’t be prouder. 

Chris was only missing one thing, and that was his soulmate. He wasn’t terribly concerned – after all, less than 15 percent of the world’s population found their soulmate before they were 20. Chris still had plenty of time, but he couldn’t help but be anxious. 

What were they like? How old were they? How would they fit with Chris? How would they _meet_? He had so many questions, and no way to answer them until they met. 

In the meantime Chris tried not to make decisions based on his future soulmate. He didn’t want to be one of those people who lived their whole lives around their other half. Chris wanted to know his soulmate, but he always knew he was more than his connection to this other person. Chris wanted his soulmate, but he was still very much his own person, and he didn’t want to forget that. His soulmate deserved more from him than that. 

So Chris was patient. He could wait, and in the meantime he’d build himself a career he could be proud of when they finally met. 

-

By the time Mark applied to the NASA Astronaut Candidate Program and got accepted ( _he was going to space holy shit!_ ) he’d built a very respectable life for himself. 

He didn’t talk to his parents much anymore, which Mark honestly hated, but his parents weren’t putting any real effort into keeping in touch with him, so Mark didn’t bother. He’d thrown himself into his career instead, into accomplishing what he put his mind to, and he’d managed to do enough with his life to impress someone at NASA. He was the first Blank to be accepted into the Ares program, he’d made a name for himself because of it. Activists were singing him praises and conservatives were questioning his character and trying to discredit him, but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. 

He’d already met Commander Lewis, and he’d been gratified that she hadn’t cared he was a Blank. All she’d cared about was how well he’d be able to perform on the mission and if he’d be able to work under her command. He was the last person to be selected for the Ares 3 mission and if Commander Lewis didn’t think he’d mesh well with the rest of the team, Mark knew he would be out. 

But she’d just smiled at the end of their meeting and told him ‘welcome to the team’ and Mark had never felt so relieved. 

He was a Blank, and he was going to Mars, and he couldn’t be happier. 

-

By the time Chris applied to the NASA Astronaut Candidate Program and got accepted, he’d pretty much given up hope of finding his soulmate. He was 36 and still nothing, and he knew the statistics. He knew that if you hadn’t found them by the time you were 30, your chances of doing so went down dramatically. So Chris had stopped looking, he’d focused even more on himself. He was going to Mars! Not many people could say they’d had that opportunity, and in fact only 12 other people aside from his team could say the same. 

So when Chris Beck met Mark Watney, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry. 

It was impossible to _not_ know who Mark Watney was, especially if you worked for NASA. He was the first Blank to ever be accepted to the Astronaut Candidate Program, and he’d been selected for the Ares 3 mission. So when Chris saw Mark in the hallways of NASA he thought nothing of it. The other man looked a bit lost though, so Chris walked up to him with a smile, and when Mark saw him he _beamed_ , and Chris swore his heart skipped a beat. 

“So did you get lost too or was that just me?” Mark laughed, and Chris _definitely_ felt his heart skip a beat. 

Because those were the _Words_ , _his_ Words, and that meant Mark was his soulmate and Chris had finally met him. 

And Mark was a Blank. 

So Chris forced thoughts of soulmates aside and nudged their shoulders together, unable to resist the urge. “There’s a trick to it, I can show you, and I won’t even charge you for it this time,” he teased. 

Mark’s lips twitched. “Oh so next time you will? I see how it is here - all swindlers and conmen are you?” 

“Only if you’re new,” Chris laughed. “I’m Chris Beck, and I hear we’ll be working together.” 

“Mark Watney, but I’m sure you already knew that,” there was a bitter twist to Mark’s lips, and Chris felt his heart clench. 

“You’re my teammate, that’s all that important to me,” he swore, and Mark stared at him, studying him, before he smiled, just a little, and Chris knew he was lost. 

Chris was going to Mars and he’d finally met his soulmate. It’s too bad that he wasn’t _Mark’s_ soulmate in return. 

-

Space was quiet. 

Mark didn’t mind it, he liked the quiet on occasion, but space was something else. An utter vacuum of silence, where no sound entered or escaped, and a glittering prison of ice that would rather kill you than suffer your humanity. It was intimidating, deadly, and utterly breathtaking all at the same time. It was still hard to believe that he was here, that he’d made it through training and he was on the way to Mars. 

“Can’t sleep?” 

Mark turned around to see Chris standing near the entrance of the rec room. He smiled and shrugged, trying to ignore the extra thump his heart gave at the sight of Chris. “Not really, you?” 

Chris shrugged as he moved to join Mark by the observation window. “Was finishing up a few things in the lab. Need me to get you something?” 

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Just realizing how quiet and amazing space is, you know?” 

Chris hummed, and the two of them stood in a comfortable silence. 

Mark subtly traced the lines of Chris’s face in the reflection of the window and _wanted_. He’d had his share of relationships, some with other Blanks. A few Worded were mixed in there, all of whom had treated him like a dirty secret, only with him because of the unspoken taboo that was a relationship between a Worded and a Blank and wanting a ride on the wild side before settling down properly. 

Mark’s eyes unconsciously traced down to Chris’s left wrist, where his Words rested, covered up by a standard black band. No matter how badly he wanted Chris he wouldn’t put himself through that again. Chris was _destined_ to be with someone, and that person wasn’t, couldn’t be, Mark. 

“You’ve never asked,” Chris spoke up suddenly. Mark jerked his eyes guiltily back up to Chris’s. The other man just smiled at him and shrugged Mark’s guilty look off. “You can, if you want,” Chris offered. 

Mark licked his lips and flicked his eyes back down to Chris’s wrist. “Who-?” 

Chris smiled, and there was something so _sad_ about it. Mark resisted the urge to tug the younger man into his arms. “I met them, a few years ago,” Chris started, and Mark _hurt_ , because the way Chris looked there couldn’t be a happy ending to this and if anyone deserved a happy ending Mark thought it was Chris. “I met my soulmate, and he was perfect. He was everything I could have wanted honestly,” and Chris looked so _happy_ when he spoke of this mysterious soulmate that Mark couldn’t help but be jealous. 

“I love him, I can’t help it,” Chris laughed, and despite the bitter twist to his lips he sounded happy. “He’s such a good person, and he’s so funny and kind, and-” there was such fondness on Chris’s face. 

“So then what happened?” Mark asked. And he knew something did happen, had to have, to have put such sadness in Chris’s eyes even when he spoke of love. 

“I was his soulmate, but he wasn’t mine,” Chris said simply, with such acceptance of the inevitable. 

Mark felt shock thrum through his body. “He-?” 

Chris nodded and shrugged as he smiled at Mark. “I’ve accepted my lot in life,” he explained, “I know him, I get to be in his life, and that’s enough for me.” 

“Does he know?” Mark choked out. 

Chris shook his head and Mark spluttered. “Then how-?” 

“Because I wouldn’t put that on his conscience,” Chris explained. “He’d feel guilty, that I couldn’t be to him what he is to me, and he doesn’t deserve that. I really am just happy to be in his life. I might wish for more but he doesn’t. I know how he feels about things like this, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to try to guilt something out of him. No,” Chris shook his head, “It’d be better that I never say anything.” 

“Chris,” Mark whispered, and this time he did reach out. 

Chris folded willingly into his arms and Mark held him tightly. Chris shook, just once, and then settled. They stayed like that for what felt like hours before Chris finally pulled back and flashed Mark a suspiciously wet smile. 

“Thank you Mark,” Chris muttered. 

“Anytime,” Mark swore. 

And if there was any promise Mark intended to keep, it was that one. 

-

The moment it happened his skin burned, and Chris knew. 

Mark, his _soulmate_ , was dead. He was alone now, truly. Pronouncing Mark dead was painful, and the moment they got back to the Hermes Chris walked calmly to his room, locked the door, and broke down. 

It was Commander Lewis who found him sprawled across the floor later, after using her master code to get in, and Chris could tell from the look on her face that she _knew_. “I’m sorry,” was all that she offered, and Chris accepted it with red eyes and a fake smile. There wasn’t really anything either of them could do at this point. 

“Yeah, me too.” 

And that was that. Chris pushed his feelings down and away and got back to work. He couldn’t afford to let how he felt about this, about _Mark_ , affect his work. He wavered, a bit, when he was assigned Mark’s work by NASA, but he pushed that aside too. He knew the crew was worried about him. His soulmate had died after all, and he was far from unaffected by that. During the day he carried on as he had to. 

At night though he dreamed, and in his dreams Mark was still alive. Mark was alive, and they were together, and they were _happy_. And then Chris had to wake up and face the reality that Mark was dead, and he had to resist the urge to break down all over again. 

And then it all changed. 

It got _worse_. 

Because it turned out Mark _was_ alive, and Chris had _left_ him, declared him _dead_ , and Chris had never felt the weight of such failure before. 

Because Mark was his soulmate and Chris didn’t deserve him. 

-

Being alone on a planet for over a year really puts things into perspective for a person. 

For Mark, it made him realize that being alone wasn’t something he wanted. Not really. He’d been alone his whole life, but it wasn’t until he’d been truly _alone_ that he’d realized what he was really missing. He hadn’t wanted a soulmate before, because he felt people wanted one for the wrong reasons. That they wanted one simply because it was _normal_ , because that was how it _was_ , and the idea that any other way was possible was such a foreign concept for them. 

Now Mark was jealous, desperately so, because he _understood_ now, why people had soulmates. So no one had to suffer being _alone_. Mark would give anything now to have a soulmate, to no longer be alone. Not that he’d ever want to condemn someone else to living on Mars, but knowing that even here, he wouldn’t have been _truly_ alone, that he’d have someone to go back to, that would be there for him… that was a precious thing, and Mark wanted it. 

So Mark made a deal with himself, and it was this – if he made it off of Mars he’d tell Chris he was in love with him. Chris had a soulmate that couldn’t have him, and Mark had none – they were both alone, and maybe, just maybe, they could be alone together. 

Reaching Schiaparelli had been a dream, and for the first time since being on Mars Mark truly believed he had a chance to leave. Hearing his crew’s _voices_ for the first time in over a year, hearing _Chris_ for the first time in over a year, had been euphoric. It hadn’t been until he was strapped into the MAV and trusting Martinez to guide him up that he realized it was really happening. 

It was the burning in his chest that woke him after he passed out, and the first thing he saw was the vast emptiness of space, the stars twinkling in the distance. Then he noticed the burning, and he gasped, and then Melissa’s voice was in his ear asking him if he was okay. 

“Think I broke a rib or two, chest burns,” he gasped. 

“Can you breathe?” Chris demanded, and Mark choked out a laugh. The first thing Chris says directly to him in over a year, and of course it would be about Mark’s health. A doctor to the end Chris was. 

“‘M fine, I can breathe, just kinda aches now.” 

“Tell me if that gets worse,” Chris warned. 

“Obviously, assuming I can talk at the time.” 

Chris laughed, and Mark had missed the sound of Chris’s laugh. Melissa interrupted then and Mark was brought up to speed on the issues, because of _course_ something went wrong during the rescue. It was the story of his fuckin’ life. The following minutes seemed to happen quickly, despite Mark being only an observer, and once the issue was corrected and Chris was on his way Mark felt his head spin. 

Seeing Chris was like a dream, even if he couldn’t enjoy it - one moment he was in the MAV, the next he was strapped to Chris and back on the Hermes and his ribs were _killing_ him. He wanted nothing more than to pass out from the pain, but he had a deal to uphold first. 

“Chris,” he breathed, even as Chris maneuvered him through the halls and to his room, “Chris, I need to tell you something,” he gasped. 

“I’m sure it can wait,” Chris soothed. 

“No, made a deal,” Mark gritted out. He needed to say this. 

“At least let me give you some pain killers first?” Chris compromised. Mark was pressed gently to Chris’s bed as the other man started to strip him. Mark saw the look of shock on his face when he was done and knew how horrible he looked. 

“It’s not so bad,” he muttered. 

“That smell certainly is,” Chris joked weakly. 

“Says you.” 

“Take the painkillers Mark,” Chris turned to grab some from a box and put them on the table next to Mark. “I’ll get you some water.” 

Mark took the water and the pills gratefully, and before he could say anything Chris was pressing his fingers carefully to Mark’s ribs. Mark hissed and twitched and Chris frowned. “You definitely broke a rib, and cracked at least another. I can wrap them, but it’ll have to wait until after your shower, which you can take after the painkillers kick in.” 

Mark nodded, and Chris smiled at him. “I was serious before, you know, I need to tell you something,” Mark pointed out. 

Chris studied Mark. “What’s that then?” 

“I love you,” Mark said plainly, unwilling to waste any more time. Chris looked shocked. “I love you,” Mark repeated, “and I don’t care that I’m a Blank and that you have a soulmate - if he has a soulmate that isn’t you he doesn’t deserve you.” 

Chris continued to stare at him wide eyed, but he didn’t get a chance to respond as that same moment Melissa, apparently tired of waiting, decided to open the door and let the crew in. Chris and Mark caught each other’s eye one last time before the group descended, and Mark felt his breath catch at the heat in the other man’s eyes. 

Maybe they’d be able to be alone together after all. 

-

Later, after everyone had cleared out and Mark was once again alone, he forced himself into the bathroom. He slowly stripped himself of the soiled clothes he wore underneath the spacesuit. The painkillers had kicked in, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t feel pain, it was just mostly numbed. He focused on cleaning himself, luxuriating in being clean for the first time in months. He was so focused on the act that he didn’t notice it at first, not until he was drying himself off. Black ink curled over his pec, near his heart, and Mark stared in disbelief. 

Words - there were Words inked in his skin. 

‘ _Can you breathe?_ ’ the elegantly curved script read, and Mark felt his breathe catch as he realized what it meant. 

Chris. Those were the words Chris said to him after he left Mars, when Mark was in the MAV and his chest burned. 

Chris, Chris was his- 

Mark stumbled out of the bathroom in a panic, his eyes wide, and almost ran into Chris, who reached out to steady him. 

“Whoa, Mark, where’s the fi-” Chris trailed off, eyes stuck on Mark’s bare chest. 

“Chris,” Mark breathed, and then Chris was ripping off the black band he always wore, the one that covered his own Words, and Mark stared down at the messy script. 

‘ _So did you get lost too or was that just me?_ ’ - And Mark remembered with sudden clarity the first words he ever said to Chris. 

“How-?” 

“I don’t know, don’t care,” Chris breathed, “It’s you, it’s always been _you_ ,” and then Chris’s mouth was on his, pressing so gently, and Mark whined low in his throat. 

“Chris-!” 

“Sssh,” Chris breathed, and he pulled Mark against him gently. Mark melted against him, so confused but at the same time so _happy_. 

He didn’t know what had happened, or how, but all that mattered now was that Chris was here, _his_ , and he wasn’t _alone_ anymore. 

Anything else they could figure out later.

**Author's Note:**

> find [this](http://rinnielove.tumblr.com/post/130923448741/this-love-left-a-permanent-mark) and [me](http://rinnielove.tumblr.com/) on tumblr x


End file.
